Death: Comforting Children in Grief

Article by Linda Ranson Jacobs

As soon as possible after the death, spend one-on-one time with the child explaining what happens now that their loved one has died.

· Talk about it.  Use the words died and death with the child.  Don’t use terms such as passed on or went to sleep, which can be misleading or confusing.  Tell a young child that when someone dies, his or her body quits working.  Use simple wording and the truth.

· Stay rooted in reality.  Be real with kids – don’t sugarcoat the truth and be willing to address topics on the child’s mind.  Don’t tell the child that Jesus needed his or her loved one more than the child did.  If the loved one had been sick for a while, such as suffering with cancer, explain to the child that he or she won’t get cancer.  Reassure the child that the loved one’s death isn’t his or her fault.

· Discus emotions.  Explain to the child that it’s okay for others to cry.  It’s okay for the child to cry, but it’s okay to laugh and play also. Create opportunities for a child to “take breaks” in grieving by offering to take the child to church classes and other activities.  Read stories about other children mourning.  Allow the child to process the story by asking questions and relating it to his or her experience.

· Encourage comforting connections.  Use these ideas to help children maintain comforting connections to their deceased loved one.

If a parent has died, encourage the remaining parent or guardian to have the child keep articles of clothing that smell like the deceased parent.  Children may feel tremendous comfort wearing or sleeping in the loved one’s clothing.  A child may also take comfort in having or wearing a favorite cologne or perfume.

Children can create a memory book of their deceased love one with pictures of the child and the person together, favorite trips, and vacations.  Have other people write short letters and share some of their favorite things about the child’s loved one.

Give the child a small wallet filled with pictures of the loved one.

Help the child create a memory or treasure box to hold pieces of jewelry or trinkets such as key rings, buttons, pin, and other items that belonged to the loved one.

· Stay close.  Children need continued support and guidance on how to get through their grief.  Stay close to them during this time, extending your consistent love, concern, and grace.